Sucidal thoughts... Help?

I'm a young teenager. Lately, I've been having a rough time. My dad sexually abused me when I was young. He's in jail now, and I'm living with my mom, grandpa, and grandma. I wish to have a dad to protect me. My mom has a fianc�, but I do not like him much. Even though he is very kind... People in my school think I am tough even though I cry every single day about the stupidest things. I used to cut myself, but my mother found out and td me if I did not stop I'd be sent to a mental hospital... I suffer from paranoia, anxiety, depression, and a very low self esteem. I get stressed so much that I often will get sick. My paranoia makes lots of people worried about me. I hate living this way. I hate feeling sick everyday due to stress. I often wonder if I'd be better off dead. I'm not sure if I really do want to die. I'm too scared to kill myself.. But right at this moment I do want to die. All of this is mixed up with teenage hormones which makes this even worse. Please, do not say "Go to a counselor" because I asked my mom for one, and she's not willing to get me one. Thank you. If you plan on answering this please be serious, and know that I am being serious.